I posted yesterday about how my day was unexpected. It carried through all through the night. Before you read this let me tell you, you might be offended by the incident I'm going to describe. You might think it's horrible and wonder why I'm with my boyfriend. You might be okay with it. But the most important thing is I'M OKAY WITH IT.
Today I had an appointment for my annual pap smear. Yesterday Mike, my sadistic boyfriend, made all sorts of comments about how he was going to fuck me right before I had to go to my appointment so that my vagina would be full of cum when they examined me. This was not exactly an awesome idea to me. I tend to like to keep our private life private. I can be very shy. I'm not a prude about sex but I don't exactly enjoy sharing everything (livejournal is different. I don't know any of you). So I looked up online and saw that it's not recommended that you have sex for at least 24 hrs before your exam. This isn't because of cum but because of the movement rupturing the cell wall or something like that. Anyway- I just told him it wasn't recommended and he assumed it was because of the cum. His response was "well, I'll make sure to do something embarrassing to you before you have to go." my response was to yell "I'm not trash!" and then I went to bed. I'm getting better about being degraded in the bedroom to satisfy his dom side but I want to be respectable in public and that means not shoving my sex lives in peoples faces. So I'm laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, and Mike comes in and out of the room a few times. The last time he does, he gets on the bed, tells me to get naked and starts screwing me. I wasn't happy about it but I let him. During the act, he started talking about how I can look at this as a test. If he pulls out and cums on my stomach- then it means he respects me and that I'm different than all the other girls he's been with. If he cums in my vagina- then I'm just a whore who's no different and nothing special. So the sex continues and the entire time I'm thinking "he'll pull out, he'll pull out. this is just a part of the verbal stuff that I have to get used to. This is just a part of the scene. he has to pull out." But he didn't. He came inside me and as soon as the realization hit me, I broke down sobbing. I just couldn't believe it. Only a few seconds passed before Mike told me to stop crying, he wore a condom. So he didn't cum in me. I know that that isn't the reason not to have sex before the exam but his test became more important than that. We talked about it after and he told me that I needed to trust him more and needed to trust that he would take care of me. He was surprised that I cried, if anything he was expecting anger by my attitude earlier in the night. It wasn't his intention to hurt me. I know it sounds like a shitty thing to do, but even just the fact that he wore a condom during sex was a relief and made it okay. Ever since I got on another form of birth control- he swore he'd never have sex with a condom again. It was kind of a sign that he loves me and that I am special that he would do that. It's kind of hard to explain. I think you'd have to be in our relationship to truly know how it felt. I told him that he broke my heart and he apologized. I was okay with the incident after a few minutes and I'm still okay with it. Maybe it means I'm moving closer to our compromise.
I haven't been too impressed with movies lately. The last movie before this that we saw was Avatar (Mike's pick). I didn't want to see it because it was so hyped up that, even without cable, we knew it was supposed to be amazing. Mike loooooved it. I liked the look of the movie but was completely bored and unimpressed with the plot. Shutter Island was my pick because I heard it was a HOLY CRAP! movie but I more enjoyed the direction than the plot. Maybe I'm just too picky. Mike hated it. I thought it was alright.
I know that I need an outlet. I have abandoned previous journals for the more friend involved social networks of facebook and myspace. What I have realized lately is that I can't write and feel completely and utterly honest. I don't have the anonymity that I require. Sometimes this makes me feel like I must be a fake person, if I hide some of my true feelings. Other times I feel that this is normal. I don't need to put myself out there for the entire world to judge. But I do feel the need to let it out somehow and somewhere.
So here I am. Again.
ha. that's scarily close to Whitesnake...
Here I go again on my owwwn
Here are the basics of me without getting too personal.
I'm a 29 year old female who lives in southern california. I live with my boyfriend and our two dogs. I work as a fast food manager- which I'm quite bitter about considering I have a four year degree from a UC. I mean seriously- how the hell did I fuck that one up? I'm crafty and creative and constantly struggling to decide whether or not I really want to lose weight (being a total foodie doesn't help).
That's me in a very brief nutshell. I suppose if you decide to read you will get to know me better.